Lizzie’s Anniversaries

In Episode 3 Lizzie spoke about how the anniversaries of her mum’s death have been for her over time. Here you can find all of the blog posts she has written from years 1 – 6, and then year 12. Follow the page numbers at the bottom of the post to view each one.

Year 1 – January 2005 – Age 17

I can’t believe it’s been a year since she died. Do I feel any better? In some ways I do, the pain isn’t as raw anymore and I do feel like a normal human being again sometimes. But despite the nice phrase, time doesn’t heal that much.

I still feel hurt that she left me without even saying goodbye, and sometimes I still have “angry days” where I’m furious with mum for putting us all through this. One change I have noticed is that the hurt and anger have faded a bit, but that feeling of missing her seems to get worse with every day. I just miss her, I really miss her.

I’ve found the rejection caused by the suicide one of the toughest things to deal with in this bereavement. Why wasn’t I enough to keep her alive, why didn’t she want to stay alive for me?

One of the hardest things to accept with a mental illness and suicide is that even if you give them all the love and care in the world, you can’t make them better, and the happy endings that you dream for don’t always happen.

It still shocks me how it doesn’t really get any easier, and it makes me really mad. Why can’t it get any easier, why does grieving take so long!?

Most of the time I feel that even though mum took her life, she isn’t going to take mine, so I try to look forward now and focus on what’s ahead.

me-pool-dallam

Me at sixth form aged 17/18.

Episode 3 – Anniversaries & Watching Movies

Sorry for the delay in getting this episode out. Lizzie caught a terrible cold and then came down with a horrendous stomach bug!

In this episode…

  • We chat about Karen Gillan’s first feature length film, The Party’s Just Beginning
  • It seems to have polarised the critics as there’s both good and less favourable reviews. We are keen to see it, but are worried that the content is too graphic & crass for survivors of suicide loss to watch?
  • Lizzie shares her own tips for getting through anniversaries, and discusses how they have been for her over the years
  • The resource is a page from a now defunct website called 1000 Deaths which lists movies with suicides in along with a rating system for content detail. Using this and a page on Wikipedia you will be able to plan which movies are safe to watch and which ones you’d like to avoid.

NB: The blog posts about anniversaries mentioned in this episode can be found here.

The music in the podcast is Write My Name by Mega Beats.

Please get in touch and share your thoughts on the show. Your comments can either be read out with your name attached or be kept anonymous. It’s up to you. We look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you for listening!

The next episode is coming on 11th March.

Our guest will be Susan Auerbach who is a double survivor of suicide loss – she lost her father in the 80s and her son Noah in 2013.