In Episode 3 Lizzie spoke about how the anniversaries of her mum’s death have been for her over time. Here you can find all of the blog posts she has written from years 1 – 6, and then year 12. Follow the page numbers at the bottom of the post to view each one.
Year 1 – January 2005 – Age 17
I can’t believe it’s been a year since she died. Do I feel any better? In some ways I do, the pain isn’t as raw anymore and I do feel like a normal human being again sometimes. But despite the nice phrase, time doesn’t heal that much.
I still feel hurt that she left me without even saying goodbye, and sometimes I still have “angry days” where I’m furious with mum for putting us all through this. One change I have noticed is that the hurt and anger have faded a bit, but that feeling of missing her seems to get worse with every day. I just miss her, I really miss her.
I’ve found the rejection caused by the suicide one of the toughest things to deal with in this bereavement. Why wasn’t I enough to keep her alive, why didn’t she want to stay alive for me?
One of the hardest things to accept with a mental illness and suicide is that even if you give them all the love and care in the world, you can’t make them better, and the happy endings that you dream for don’t always happen.
It still shocks me how it doesn’t really get any easier, and it makes me really mad. Why can’t it get any easier, why does grieving take so long!?
Most of the time I feel that even though mum took her life, she isn’t going to take mine, so I try to look forward now and focus on what’s ahead.