Year 4 – February 2008 – Age 20
It’s that time of year again where I spend a lot of time thinking about mum, how she chose to die and the horrific events which came afterwards. It’s hard to concentrate on anything else. Again I wonder how the year has gone by so quickly, and it’s scary to think that it was four years ago and for some strange reason it’s scary being ok with it all this year too.
I know that some of you may have checked this on the actual Sunday 27th and you’re wondering where this post came from, but it’s easier for me to keep the posts dated to the time they happened so I can find them later. I’m actually writing this on 5th February! Normally I would have posted on the day but this year I couldn’t really be bothered and for me this showed more than anything how much I’ve come to terms with things recently. I used to run and update a website for “grieving teens” too, and it’s been so long since I last looked at it I can’t even remember the password let alone any technical know-how in order to edit it!
This year I met up with my sister in Ely on the 26th and we spent the day together to mark the occasion. We had a good time, and I’m glad that I finally managed to see her more than once in six months too! Ely proved to be a good place not only because it was somewhere new, but also because it’s somewhere my grandparents used to go to visit friends and it was nice to have that connection there for them too. I miss them. (All my grandparents died by the time I was 17.) I struggle to remember what they all look like and I hate it.
^Our first stop was at the prettyful cathedral which is one of the largest in England. I have an old black and white photograph of my maternal grandparents in front of the entrance so it was really nice to see the place for myself.
After going to the cathedral we wondered round town and saw the house where Oliver Cromwell used to live. A lot of charity shopping soon followed. Lunch was a very interesting occasion involving large quantities of splattered ketchup and about 20 minutes worth of hysterical laughter on my part because it had covered my plate, the table and the wall! It was one of those moments where I felt sorry for the sister for being related to me. I swear I don’t deliberately do anything to iniciate these kinds of random moments, they find me! I blame the ketchup. Later while I was waiting outside for my sister I saw that I had managed to cover myself in ketchup too and started giggling all over again. Oh dear.
We then bought some flowers and went for a walk by the river.
At the end of the day we went our separate ways at the station beneath another one of East Anglia’s gorgeous sunsets.
The actual anniversary Sunday was spent on my own, mostly in bed in true Lizzie grieving style. It’s weird, because everything that happened was always in my thoughts but I wasn’t really upset like I have been before. Four years is a long time and I’m sick of missing her to be honest. But of course I do miss her, and I just wish I could see her again for a while to say goodbye, that I’m happy and that I’m doing ok. I remember someone saying to me after she died that it’s not that the pain of losing someone so close to you goes away, you just learn to live with it and get on with your life in spite of it. That’s how I feel at the moment, not any intense grief, anger or hurt but just a really deep long-lasting sadness that she’s not here.
It’s been good to see how far I’ve come too, last year I drank *a lot* in January but I’ve hardly touched the stuff this year. It’s good to be doing so well, it’s great to know the worst is over and the best is happening right now, even if the past still haunts you sometimes. 🙂