Year 3 – January 2007 – Age 19
With the anniversary of mum’s death looming and some memories of a difficult time on mum’s birthday I decided to do something different for the 27th Jan this year. For mum’s birthday I ended up downing JD from about 4pm – midnight and it wasn’t really wise thing to do… (Cheers to Yvette and sister for looking after me though.) The flashbacks of finding the body were very vivid (hence the drinking to try and block them out) and I had this absolutely sickening, unbearable feeling of not coping very well. It’s been a long few weeks of feeling very low and not really seeing anyone/doing much. I dread this time of year.
Some friends in London offered to have me down and look out for me over the weekend of the anniversary and to avoid a repeat of the above drunkenness I thought it would be a good idea to go. Hell maybe even push the boat out and have some fun (heaven forbid)!
Amy was waiting for me at the train station and she asked me if I liked surprises, I thought she had a bar of chocolate in her bag or something. As she was leading me to the tube station she stopped and said, “by the way, someone’s here to see you”. I looked over and Anna was there!! Anna!!! I wish I could have seen the look on my face. She had flown all the way over from Iceland for a weekend in London and to be with me on the anniversary! Wow that girl is amazing. Anna in London!! Everyone else knew about it but me lol, and as if she hadn’t done enough already the star even brought Tim Tams.
Friday night was spent watching some great live music at the Regal Room in Hammersmith, then trying to get in a hostel dorm room which is smaller than my bathroom with two bunk beds crammed in. Cue lots of comedy shuffling. The next day we took the tube to St Paul’s Cathedral so I could light a candle for mum and say some prayers for her. It was amazing and beautiful to finally see it close up, and the symbolism of the place was really touching too. I remember being told in a history lesson at school once that after a night of bombing during the Blitz all the buildings surrounding St Paul’s had been destroyed yet the cathedral stood untouched. I felt stronger just by being near the place.
I then took Anna for a wander along the Thames and later on we met up with Amy and Lollypop again for another night in the Regal Room… followed by more take out from the Kebab Kid and singing very loudly in the car!
Overall it was a really good weekend. Normally I would have been really down but instead I had so much fun. I feel so lucky to have people like Anna who have taught me that it doesn’t always have to be such a difficult time and that I’m allowed to have fun! I had a few moments of “fuck this time 3 years ago mum was hanging herself” type thoughts and a few moments where I had that horrible cycling of asking myself why she didn’t call, how could she do this to us, why didn’t I do more to stop her etc etc… but I’ve accepted that there will always be splinters like that in my mind now and most of the time I can brush them aside.
I’m missing mum terribly – and I’m really bothered by the fact that this year I’ll turn 20. I’m growing up without her and to be honest I find the idea terrifying. I hate it. It’s unbearable…but I am feeling so proud too. I am still here. I made another year. I’ve lasted 3 years. I’m doing really well for myself and I’m happy. I’m determined to learn from this and use all this shit to help me help others and bring some more light into the world.