Year 2 – January 2006 – Age 18
I’m not sure what to type really, it’s amazing how another year has gone by. When I stop and look back at everything that has happened, it doesn’t feel like that long somehow. I suppose it’s a little weird and scary – that I’ve survived two years without her, and that I’m actually growing up without my mum.
Last year I was a complete mess, very dependent on alcohol, in tears most of the day, and very, very depressed – as anyone would be in that situation. This year I’ve not cried yet… and while I’ve been down and not really slept much this week – I’ve been “fine”. To mark the day I went to the cathedral in Norwich to light a candle and say some prayers for mum, then went for a walk to a viewpoint where you can see the whole of the city. It was really pretty and peaceful there, it really helped with my grief. Then I went for ice cream with my flatmates and we also raided a toy shop and played with all the products – we had so much fun! It was good to get out and take my mind off things. I’m glad today is out the way though.
Getting older and turning 18 has brought new challenges and situations to face with my grief. A lot has changed since last year. I managed to get accepted into university. So since last September I’ve been living in university accommodation. Things like this have really hit home and made me see how much I lost when mum died. Watching other students move in with their families made me see that I’m going to have to accept for the rest of my life, whatever I do, she won’t be there. I have achieved so much, yet she will never get to see it and that’s one thing I still find really hard – that I can never share my life with her. When my friends ring home for a chat or their mum visits with extra food – I can’t help but think what it would have been like if I could have that. I miss her friendship and support, and her love. I miss the chance of us growing older together and becoming closer.
I’m still furious with mum for ending her life, but I feel after two years it’s not so much directed at her now – it’s more of a general thing at the fact that she was ill in the first place. I have so much rage and anger – why her, why was she ill, why couldn’t she have got better!? I’m so mad at the unfairness of life. In a similar note to last year’s post – I miss her more than anything else. I wish I could just see her again and tell her how I’m doing.
I’m at a stage in my grief where I can do day to day things, and the pain of losing mum rarely interferes with my uni work, my job, my social life…and that’s great. I finally feel like I have got my life back. But I would be lying if I painted a perfect picture, it’s still hard, it still hurts like crazy, and I’ve signed up for counselling to help me deal with the grief. But I’m ok. I’m having a great time at university, I have achieved so much this past year despite a lot of bereavements and right now – I’m happy.